Why do so many of us mask our ADHD traits?

In a society that often prioritises conformity and a narrow definition of "normal," many individuals with ADHD and autistic traits face significant social stigma. This stigma creates an environment where neurodivergence is misunderstood, dismissed, or even ridiculed. As a result, many people with these traits feel ashamed of them, leading to patterns of denial, lack of recognition, or masking. But why does this happen, and what impact does it have on those who live through it?

The roots of shame and denial

From an early age, people with ADHD are often told, implicitly or explicitly, that their behaviours are "wrong" or "different." Whether it's being scolded for fidgeting, zoning out, or struggling with social cues, they may internalise the idea that their natural ways of thinking and being are a problem to be fixed. Over time, this can lead to a deep sense of shame.

In some cases, this shame manifests as denial. Denial is often a coping mechanism: if acknowledging neurodivergence feels too overwhelming or threatening in a judgmental society, it can feel safer to dismiss it altogether. Some may believe they simply need to "try harder" to fit in or overcome their struggles, even if doing so is exhausting and unrealistic.

The challenge of recognition

For others, the shame may prevent them from recognising their traits in the first place. Because neurodivergent behaviours have been pathologised or labelled as personal failings, many individuals don't connect their struggles with ADHD until much later in life. For women, in particular, this is a common experience, as the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and autism have historically been based on male presentations of these conditions.

This lack of recognition can delay understanding and support, leaving people feeling isolated and confused about why certain aspects of life seem so much harder for them than for others.

The burden of masking

For those who are aware of their neurodivergence, masking often becomes a survival strategy. Masking involves hiding or suppressing traits to appear more "neurotypical" – for example, forcing oneself to maintain eye contact, stifling stims, or mimicking social behaviours. While masking can help individuals navigate certain social or professional settings, it comes at a cost.

Masking is exhausting. It requires constant self-monitoring and can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a loss of identity. The need to mask stems from the fear of rejection or judgment, reinforcing the idea that being neurodivergent is something to be hidden.

The impact of stigma on mental health

Living in a world where you feel you must deny, hide, or suppress who you are is deeply damaging. For many, this leads to feelings of low self-worth, chronic stress, and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. The shame and stigma surrounding ADHD can also prevent people from seeking diagnosis, support, or accommodations, perpetuating cycles of struggle and self-blame

Breaking the cycle

Addressing this issue starts with changing the narrative around neurodivergence. ADHD and autism are not flaws or weaknesses; they are differences in brain wiring that bring both challenges and strengths. Education and awareness are crucial to dispelling harmful myths and reducing stigma.

For individuals with ADHD, self-acceptance is a powerful antidote to shame. Recognising and embracing neurodivergence can pave the way for seeking support, finding community, and living authentically. ADHD coaching, therapy, and peer support groups can be invaluable in this journey.

Finally, society as a whole must shift towards greater inclusion and understanding. This means challenging stereotypes, celebrating neurodivergence, and creating spaces where all individuals feel valued and supported.

The shame and stigma surrounding ADHD has far-reaching effects, influencing how individuals view themselves and navigate the world. By addressing these issues at both a personal and societal level, we can create a culture where neurodivergent people feel free to be themselves.

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