Why do those of us with ADHD apologise so much? And what can we do about it?

Have you ever caught yourself apologising for things you don’t need to? Saying “sorry” when you’re not at fault, or even for just existing? If you have ADHD this might feel all too familiar. It’s a pattern that many of us struggle with, but why is it so common, and how can we break free from it?

Why do we apologise so much?

1. A lifetime of misunderstanding and rejection
   Many neurodivergent people grow up feeling “different.” Whether it’s being told we’re too loud, too messy, too forgetful, or just “too much,” we internalise these criticisms. Over time, we begin to feel as though we need to apologise for who we are. Each “sorry” becomes a way to protect ourselves from disapproval or conflict.

2. Masking and the pressure to conform
   Masking is the act of hiding our true selves to fit in—a survival strategy for many neurodivergent individuals. But masking comes with a cost: it teaches us that our natural behaviours are wrong or inconvenient. Apologising becomes part of the mask, a way of smoothing over the cracks and avoiding scrutiny.

3. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
   For people with ADHD, RSD can amplify the fear of criticism or rejection. Even minor feedback can feel like a personal attack. To avoid these painful feelings, we might apologise preemptively—often before anyone has even said anything.

4. Internalised ableism
   Society isn’t built for neurodivergent minds. When we struggle in environments that don’t accommodate our needs, it’s easy to blame ourselves. Apologising becomes a reflex, a way of compensating for perceived inadequacies.

How does this impact us?

While apologising might seem harmless, excessive apologies can have real consequences. For one, it can reinforce feelings of low self-worth. If we’re constantly apologising, we’re subtly telling ourselves (and others) that we’re always in the wrong. This can affect how we’re perceived—people might see us as overly self-critical, or worse, as someone who lacks confidence or competence.

Excessive apologies also shift the focus away from our actual needs. Instead of advocating for accommodations or understanding, we minimise ourselves to avoid being “a burden.” Over time, this can lead to resentment, burnout, and a deeper sense of isolation

What can we do about it?

Breaking the habit of over-apologising isn’t easy, especially when it’s been reinforced for years. But it is possible. Here are some steps to help:

1. Build self-awareness
   Start by noticing when and why you apologise. Are you truly at fault, or are you apologising out of habit? Keeping a mental log can help you identify patterns and triggers.

2. Pause and reframe
   Before apologising, pause and ask yourself:

• Is this apology necessary?

• Am I actually responsible for what happened?

• Could I rephrase this to express myself without apologising?

• For example, instead of saying, “Sorry I’m late,” try, “Thank you for waiting.”

3. Practice self-compassion
   Remind yourself that being neurodivergent isn’t something you need to apologise for. You are not “too much” or “too difficult”—you are just different, and that’s okay. Practicing self-compassion can help you reframe the way you see yourself and your interactions with others.

4. Challenge the narrative
   Replace unnecessary apologies with statements that advocate for yourself. Instead of, “Sorry, I’m struggling to focus,” try, “I need a moment to refocus.” This small shift can help you feel more empowered and assertive.

5. Seek support
   Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or ADHD coach, having someone to talk to about your experiences can make a big difference. They can help you untangle the beliefs that fuel your apologies and build strategies to move forward.

6. Celebrate progress
   Breaking the cycle of over-apologising is a journey, and it won’t happen overnight. Celebrate small wins along the way—each time you pause before apologising, reframe your words, or advocate for yourself is a step in the right direction.

If you’ve grown up feeling like you need to apologise for who you are, know this: you don’t. You are not a burden. Your neurodivergence is not something to be fixed, excused, or apologised for. It’s part of what makes you unique.

By becoming more aware of when and why we apologise, and by practicing self-compassion, we can start to break free from this cycle. The next time you catch yourself saying “sorry” unnecessarily, take a moment to pause. What might you say instead? How can you express your needs with kindness and confidence—not just to others, but to yourself?

It’s not about never apologising; it’s about knowing when and why it’s truly necessary. Let’s give ourselves permission to take up space unapologetically.

Wondering how ADHD coaching can work for you?

Book your FREE 15 minute discovery call and I’ll be happy to chat about your options.